DATELINE: COOL SPRINGS, TN — TONY’S RULES FOR HAPPINESS
Originally posted May 10, 2025
— WW Annotated Edition —
Laminated advice, tuned up for modern absurdity.
In our last column, we took a friendly little jibe at Tony’s Eat & Drink patrons. So naturally, what did we do? We went over and joined them.
We had a great time. Waitresses were attentive. Drinks were flowing. Not a bad way to spend your Friday happy hour.
And what did we find on the table? A little laminated gospel titled “Tony’s Rules for Happiness.” So naturally, we gave it the Williamson Wrong tune-up.
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1. Eat lunch with the new kid.
Because one day he’ll be your parole officer—or the guy who resets your router.
2. Always stand to shake someone’s hand.
Unless you’re at Waffle House at 2 a.m.—then keep your hands where everyone can see them.
3. Never turn down a breath mint.
This is not a suggestion. It’s a public service announcement.
4. Life is not fair, get used to it.
Also: parking meters are rigged.
5. If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.
Unless you’re at Tony’s—then you’re exactly where you belong. Sit down, order the wings.
6. A suntan is earned, not bought.
And so is your dermatologist’s vacation home.
7. Smell nice or don’t smell at all.
Also, Axe is not a cologne. It’s a red flag.
8. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.
Apply liberally at board meetings, group chats, and Thanksgiving.
9. Thank the bus driver.
And the waitress. And the guy who fixed your AC in August. Gratitude is free, which is good—because the tip you left wasn’t.
10. Know the words to your national anthem.
And no, mumbling through “what so proudly we…” doesn’t count.
11. Learn the rules so you can break them properly.
A.K.A. the founding principle of every HOA newsletter ever.
12. Nice guys don’t finish last. Boring guys do.
And creepy guys finish with restraining orders.
13. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
Seriously—don’t be cheap. Want more friends? This is the way.
14. Know how to drive a stick shift.
For when civilization collapses and all that’s left is your uncle’s ‘84 Chevy S-10.
15. Be nice to the nerds. Chances are you’re one of them.
Or you’ll be working for them. Probably both.
16. No whining.
Unless it’s vintage, served with cheese, and pairs well with being broke.
17. Always finish what you start.
Except this list. It peaked at 12 and we all know it.
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So yeah—swing by Tony’s. Great food, decent beer, and just enough laminated wisdom to get you through a midlife crisis with a smile and a bar tab.
Be good. Smell decent. Tip better.