BAD DECISIONS
🗞️ DATELINE: U.S., TENNESSEE & DISTRICT 7 — BAD DECISIONS
It’s only Wednesday, and somehow this week already feels like a highlight reel of regret. Everywhere you look, someone’s torching their own good sense — from country singers trying to moonlight as policy experts, to the FBI reliving its glory days as America’s least-subtle spy agency, to Tennessee politicos holding master classes in self-sabotage.
Let’s take attendance.
🎸 ZACH BRYAN: HOLD MY BUD LIGHT
Apparently, Zach Bryan got tired of very public fights with his girlfriends and hopping fences to brawl with other country singers, so he decided to take his talents to national politics.
His new song “Bad News” calls out ICE raids — because nothing says “career longevity” like alienating your fan base and federal law enforcement in one verse. Homeland Security told him to “stick to Pink Skies,” and that may not be terrible advice.
Bad move, buddy. We liked you better when the only thing you were arresting was our emotions. Maybe save the poetry for heartbreak, not border policy.
🧊 OPERATION ARCTIC FROST: THE BIDEN FBI’S “LET’S SPY ON EVERYBODY” ERA
Speaking of bad ideas, apparently the Biden administration thought it was a good moment to dust off the ol’ surveillance playbook and point it at sitting members of Congress.
We learned this week that Tennessee’s own Senators Bill Hagerty and Marsha Blackburn were among several Republican lawmakers whose phone records were tracked by the FBI as part of Special Counsel Jack Smith’s January 6th investigation.
The operation — and you can’t make this up — was code-named “Arctic Frost.” Because when you’re already overreaching your constitutional limits, you might as well give it a cool espionage title.
The Bureau swears it never listened to conversations — it only collected “tolling data,” meaning times, locations, and recipients of calls. You know, everything short of the actual words — the bureaucrat’s version of “we just looked through the window.”
The target list read like a GOP roll call: Blackburn, Hagerty, Lindsey Graham, Josh Hawley, Ron Johnson, Cynthia Lummis, Dan Sullivan, Tommy Tuberville, and Rep. Mike Kelly.
When the story hit, Blackburn called it “rotten to the core,” Hagerty demanded accountability, and half the Senate declared it Watergate on 5G.
The backlash was so loud that the FBI has reportedly fired agents connected to the operation and dismantled the unit responsible. At this rate, if the government isn’t reading your texts, it’s probably because you’re not interesting enough.
🎪 MEANWHILE… THE CONGRESSIONAL CIRCUS ENDS
Back here in Middle Tennessee, both sides of the aisle wrapped up their primaries for the 7th Congressional District — and we’ve officially got a matchup.
On the Democratic side, Aftyn Behn, the Nashville state representative with a knack for fiery speeches and progressive hashtags, clinched her party’s nomination. On the Republican side, Matt Van Epps came out on top — a clean, commanding win with 19,001 votes to Jody Barrett’s 9,335.
So now the table’s set: Behn vs. Van Epps in December. But before we start sizing up the matchup, let’s talk about how we got here — because the Republican primary wasn’t just a race, it was a full-blown family brawl.
🧢 TRUMP ENDORSES, THE DOMINOES FALL
Late last week, President Trump dropped his endorsement for Van Epps, and suddenly the whole field rearranged itself. Governor Lee and Former Congressman Mark Green backed him too, and by sundown, several hopefuls — including Franklin’s own Rep. Lee Reeves — bowed out gracefully.
So naturally, with Trump’s endorsement shaking up the race, someone had to hop online and make it about themselves. Enter Gary Humble, Tennessee’s self-appointed prophet of persecution.
🎥 THE HUMBLE RANT: “GESTAPO-LEVEL TACTICS”
Since no week of bad decisions would be complete without a Gary Humble video, Tennessee’s favorite webcam warrior hit “Go Live” to rally the faithful behind his pal, Rep. Jody Barrett.
For ten breathless minutes, Humble warned that President Trump’s endorsement of Van Epps was part of a “Gestapo establishment” plot — yes, the Gestapo — orchestrated by “billionaire-funded D.C. hacks” to take down “the most conservative legislator in Tennessee.”
Riddle me that for a guy who calls himself MAGA-adjacent.
Then came the kicker: Humble insisted he “loves President Trump” and “respects the hell out of him,” but is “often incredibly disappointed” in him. Apparently, Trump’s greatness now comes with an asterisk — *valid only when Gary agrees.
And just when you thought it couldn’t get weirder, he rolled out his next theory: Trump didn’t actually endorse Van Epps himself. No, according to Humble, the Commander-in-Chief was far too busy “negotiating one of the most important peace deals in our lifetime” to be “sitting around tweeting about Matt Van Epps.”
In other words, Trump’s endorsement was written by the Autopen President.
Still not done, Humble turned his sights on Senate Majority Leader Jack Johnson, calling his post about GOP unity “one of the most manipulative and stupid things” of the entire campaign. Johnson’s crime? Suggesting Republicans rally behind their nominee.
In Humble’s world, unity during a primary is tyranny — but a ten-minute tirade about Gestapo tactics? That’s patriotism.
Gary, buddy — real talk: Trump’s still Trump, even when he doesn’t like your guy. And if you’re disappointed by this loss, just wait until your own race.
💸 MICHELLE FOREMAN: THANK YOU, THANK ME!
Not to be outdone, Humble’s hype woman and three-time loser at the polls, Michelle Foreman, took a victory lap online — thanking the Tennessee Republican Assembly for “helping” Lee Reeves step aside.
Small problem: she allegedly runs the PAC she’s thanking. So yes, she was congratulating herself for spending other people’s money to look important.
Foreman’s operation has been milking cash from every out-of-state “patriot” who moved here after COVID thinking Tennessee needed saving — and she’s been happy to play the part of crusader collecting their tithes.
Reeves didn’t “step aside” because of her effort, but that didn’t stop Foreman from spinning it like a personal triumph of “grassroots” power.
Grassroots, meet astroturf — and somebody’s Venmo.
🎤 JODY BARRETT’S CONCESSION: THE MOTHER OF ALL BAD DECISIONS
And then came the pièce de résistance — the kind of political moment you can’t script because no campaign manager would ever let you.
At his watch party in Burns, Jody Barrett stood before a bewildered crowd, took a deep breath, and said this — word for word:
“Look, I’ve told a lot of people this, and my campaign manager smacked me upside the head a couple of times for saying this… I didn’t really want to win this thing anyway. I never wanted to run for an office in D.C.… It was something I felt like I was being called to do.”
The room went silent. You could practically hear the campaign balloons deflating.
That’s not a concession speech — that’s a confession. A man admitting, out loud, that he spent months fundraising, debating, and pleading for votes in a race he never actually wanted to win.
Dickson County, please have a sit-down with your boy. Ten thousand people just voted for a man who essentially told them, “My heart wasn’t in it, but thanks for driving to the polls.”
He didn’t lose because of PAC money or fake endorsements — he lost because he told the truth: he didn’t want the job. And when a candidate wraps defeat in the language of divine calling, it’s not humility — it’s an escape hatch.
Divine inspiration? More like divine resignation.
🏆 THE ADULT IN THE ROOM: MATT VAN EPPS
Finally, congratulations to soon-to-be Congressman-elect Matt Van Epps.
Fifty-two percent of the vote, a steady campaign, and a solid message. You didn’t take the bait, didn’t lose your cool, and didn’t treat the job like a social media stunt.
If you’re good enough for Trump, we’re expecting great things. Keep your boots on the ground and make Tennessee proud.
And please — don’t pull the classic “cheat on your wife, vanish to Africa, and write a memoir.” We’ve seen that one, and we’re not buying the sequel.
Here’s to fresh leadership, a little optimism, and some dignity in D.C. for a change.